Hey! It's a rant about air travel!

I know ranting about flying is nothing new; it’s about as creative as saying, “I like puppies!” or “I hate bee stings.” And everyone’s got a horror story to tell. Lost luggage, teething babies, transatlantic flights seated next to a man with colostomy bag. (Seriously, I don’t think Kimberly reads this, but that story made me wary to ever set foot on an airplane ever again.)

But the experience I just underwent (read: barely survived with my sanity in tact) was more of a comedy of errors than anything else.

Allow me set the scene for you. It’s day 12 of my 12 day vacation. I’m worn out, dehydrated and tired of seeing people in cowboy boots. I want nothing more than to fall face first into my own bed and sleep for as long as my little heart desires. And I’m just a few hours and a connecting flight in Dallas away from sweet home Chicago.

We board the plane a little later than anticipated, they tell us there are some high winds in Dallas but it’s no big deal. No. Big. Deal. So I hoist my carryon into the overhead compartment, climb over my aisle-seated neighbor and settle in next to the window. I’m almost home.

Except we don’t move. Because it’s windy in Dallas, we’ve been ordered to stay at the gate (I think they called it a ground stop, but I’ll be damned if that flight attendant wasn’t breathing into the intercom like Darth Vader after running some wind sprints). Again, they assure us we’ll be fine. Because everyone and their mother has a connecting flight to catch in Dallas. Don’t worry.

I’ll just sleep. My marathon vacations have left me a little tired, so I hug my fleece jacket to my chest and snuggle in for a nap. Except I can’t. I’ve got a bad case of the jimmy legs*. And the jimmy arms. Pretty much any time I doze off, some part of my body twitches to the point that I’m jostled awake and the guy next to me just stares.

Welp, looks like I’m going to be awake for a while. Time to take in the sights. Inexplicably, everyone else on the flight seems to know each other. They’re up and out of their seats, laughing about how much fun they had this week. A surprising amount of them seem to be wearing sunglasses even though a.) we’re on a plane and b.) it’s no longer sunny out. The woman in front of me whips out her laptop to watch a movie. Her film of choice? Tootsie. I’ve never seen it, but even through the gap between the seats, there’s no mistaking Dustin Hoffman in drag. While I’m pondering why, of all the movies in the world to watch on a plane, this woman has picked one from 1982, someone behind me starts eating a Nutty Bar.

Now, I haven’t had a Nutty Bar since high school, but the aroma is unmistakable. Chocolate, peanut butter and crispy wafers? Shut up. I’m starving. It’s been hours since I had that veggie sandwich from Subway (my own fault, I know a veggie sandwich isn’t that substantial, but I’m weird about my lunch meat) and I seriously debate turning around and trying to bargain with this woman for the second bar in her Little Debbie snack pack.

But I’ve got nothing. I’m sitting in my window seat, watching Tootsie and smelling Nutty Bars. I’m bored and hungry and just want to get home. I welcome the sweet, ear-popping release of decent. Almost there.

All of a sudden, the guy to my right wants to strike up a conversation. This same man who seemed genuinely annoyed when I whispered, “Excuse me, did you happen to hear what our new arrival time is?” is now interested in some small talk. Now, as we’re descending and I’m becoming painfully aware of how congested I am (what, you mean you don’t spend 12 days in the arid desert and come down with a case of the sniffles?), he wants to discuss whether we’re looking out our window (my window) at Dallas or Ft. Worth. What the heck difference does it make? I feel like my head is about to explode.

We touch down and the conversation comes to an end. “Welcome to Dallas/Ft. Worth! Feel free to turn on your cell phones and see that your connecting flight to Chicago took off about an hour and a half ago. We know you have a choice when it comes to air travel, and we thank you for choosing American.”

Well, crap.

I find my way to the ticket counter and wait in a long line of angry Illinoisans who were supposed to be home by now. But I’m not one of them. I’m actually pretty proud of myself for just laughing the whole thing off. It happens. It’s cool. As long as I can get something to eat soon.

I get myself booked on a 9:35 a.m. flight and agree to the first hotel the airport guy suggests. Probably should’ve been listening closer, because it’s a Super 8. Now, I’m no hotel snob (see: previous entry, cramming 5 girls into one room at the Tropicana) but I can think of places I’d rather spend the night in a strange city than the airport Super 8. But the airport guy assures me the shuttle will be there shortly and the hotel is located within walking distance of plenty of restaurants.

Alrighty. I’ve got my ticket. I’ve got my hotel voucher. I've been promised restaurants within walking distance. I’m good to go. I work my way down to where the shuttles pick up (which is in the dark, desolate bowels of the airport) and wait for my Super 8 chariot.

At first I thought I’d be embarrassed to board the Super 8 shuttle as the shiny Hyatt bus pulled up. I was wrong. I would’ve gladly worn a Super 8 sandwich board for the next year if it would’ve gotten my shuttle there any faster. Every time I called my hotel, I was assured that my shuttle would be arriving momentarily. (Sounds like that “immediate follower” lie the CTA always tells, doesn’t it?)

So there I am. Standing in the dark. Listening to a high school senior try to hit on a girl who’s already done with college (what? I had a long time to wait and nothing better to do than eavesdrop). Counting the minutes until I can call Super 8 again. Wondering why this little Asian boy keeps inching away from his family and closer to me. Seriously, this kid went from a comfortable distance to crowding my personal space in about 15 seconds. And I’m getting a little freaked out. Maybe it’s because I’m paranoid. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept much in the last week and a half. Maybe it’s because my blood sugar had dropped so low that I'm starting to imagine small children creeping around my carry on. I’m not sure, but at this point, I’m throwing in the towel.

“Screw it.”

It’s past 11. I need a cab. And we’re not at O’Hare anymore, so I can’t just hail one. Where the heck can I get a cab? Upstairs, apparently, and maybe a half mile down at the cab stand. Great.

I ask the woman for a cab and call a bunch of hotels in hopes of finding one that won’t charge $140 for the night. Because at this point, I’m only going to need a room for 8 hours.

Good news. The La Quinta won’t gauge me and they have continental breakfast. Sold.

A van cab pulls up, the guy throws my suitcase in the back, and I climb in. I thank him numerous times, so grateful to be leaving the airport behind. Cabbie doesn’t seem to appreciate my gratitude. Once we’re on the highway, he barks, “She told you it would be $22 flat rate from airport, right? $22 no matter where you go. Otherwise I don’t make any money and you get to go wherever you want. All night. I don’t make any money.”

Wait, is this guy yelling at me?

“No, she didn’t tell me.”

He hits the brakes. On the highway. “You have the money or not?”

ARE THESE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATIONS OR SOMETHING?!?!

“Yes,” I eek out.

“Good. You tell me you need a cab, you have to pay.”

My next response? I start to cry. I erupt into a mess of big, fat sloppy tears. The kind of tears usually reserved for toddlers and coeds cowering in the back corner of C.O.’s (or whatever your dirty college bar of choice may be). I hate crying, especially in front of strangers. One, I don’t like the overwhelming vulnerability of it all and two, no one wants to be the crazy crying girl in the back of a taxi, especially in a strange city. But there I was, bawling and Kleenex-less.

Now the cabbie tries to comfort me (I think), but it just comes off as belittling. “At least you’re not stuck in the air!”

Um, what?

I elect to stay quiet for the rest of the drive, save for the occasional sob that escapes. We pull up to the La Quinta and I shove the last of my cash in the cab driver’s hand as I avoid eye contact with the man. As the hotel’s automatic doors slide close, I hear him yell, “You work yourself up too much!”

A total basketcase, I walk up to the front desk and ask for a room. I’m still avoiding eye contact with everyone, like the fact that my gaze isn’t meeting theirs will somehow keep my secret that I was just bawling in the back of a cab. But bless her little heart, the girl at the front desk is efficient and polite and says she hopes the rest of my night goes better. How pitiful am I?

I take my carry on, my small personal item and my bedraggled self to my room and am pleasantly surprised by how well appointed it is. I scrounge up enough change to buy Cheez-Its from the vending machine (Psht. Like that’s the first time I’ve had Cheez-Its for dinner. And I can guarantee it won’t be the last.) I’m just so happy to be in a hotel room, I’m sure I’ll drift off in no time.

Again, wrong. I was so terrified I’d sleep through my alarm and miss my flight (and I did NOT want to spend any more time in Texas), I barely slept. My alarm goes off at 6, I'm ready in record time and it's off to the continental breakfast. If I’d been thinking clearly, I would’ve gotten my money’s worth (and everything Texas owed me) at that buffet. But my mind was clouded from lack of sleep, so I just grabbed a bagel and some coffee. I literally waited at the curb for the airport shuttle to make its 7 o’clock run.

The shuttle comes and the driver is kind and helpful and doesn’t yell at me. And I love him.

“They said you were crying pretty bad when you got in last night.” Yep, less than 12 hours here and I’ve already made a reputation for myself. Neat.

The shuttle drops me at the curb and I gratefully unload myself from the van as quickly as possible. I walk in the wrong direction, naturally, so I have to pull a U-ie in front of my favorite airport shuttle driver. He just laughs and waves. I sheepishly wave back. No offense, kind sir, but I hope I never have to see you again! And I’m on my way.

I finally make it through security, get myself a black cherry mocha (never have I ever been so happy to have a Starbucks in my hand) and settle in at my gate until boarding time.

I spot a girl in a Blackhawks t-shirt and it’s oddly comforting. There are a couple of Cubs hats scattered about the terminal, and I feel like I’m among friends. I’m no Wildcats fan, but when a woman sits across from me in a purple sweatshirt with “Northwestern” emblazoned across the front, I almost want to hug her. Yes! Chicagoans! Mayor Daley’s brethren! Let us all band together and get out of this God-forsaken state! It’s a strange sense of solidarity and I feel like the worst of the trip is behind me.

I am a fool.

They start boarding and, because I was a last minute addition to the flight, I’m part of boarding Group 1, seated in a middle seat in the waaaaay back of the plane. But if that means I can get on the plane in a timely manner, cozy up to my North Face quicker and drift off faster, then so be it.

The kind woman at the gate scans my boarding pass and eyes me up and down and informs me that my carry on is too large. I stop, mouth agape, and stare at her as though she just told me it's my ass that's too large, not my luggage. “There was no problem when I got in yesterday,” I manage to stammer. I’m genuinely confused. Because nothing has changed in that carry on in the last 16 hours. Nothing’s been added, nothing’s been taken away. Because I’m wearing the same thing I wore during yesterday's leg of my journey.

The. Exact. Same. Thing.

Because yes, I ran out of clothes while I was there. Or, more accurately, I only packed the number of t-shirts one would need for the duration of my 5-day stay. I didn’t account for a bonus day of vacation. I also ran out of toothpaste the morning before (brushed my teeth with nothing but hot water, which is how I imagine they did it on the Oregon Trail) and almost ran out of contact solution.

Exasperated, I throw up my hands (literally, I’m afraid) and say, “Fine. Check it.” I almost walk away from my suitcase before the guy at the gate hands me a tag. I’m pretty sure this would’ve pegged me for a terrorist or at the very least, cost me my over-stuffed suitcase.

But I’m almost there. I walk down the ramp and down the entire length of the plane to the second-to-last row. And I’m almost home. Looks like I’m sitting between a guy and a girl who are about my age and clearly don’t want to do anything but sleep on this flight. My heart soars.

And then it comes crashing back down. Because a woman with three small children is walking our way. And she doesn’t stop until the row behind us. My row-mates and I all exchange anxious glances with each other. Three kids under the age of 7? No good can come of this.

I mean, I understand that kids are kids. I can forgive the 19-month-old for pulling my hair as she fiddles with my headrest. I understand that a 7-year-old is going to have to use the bathroom right before take off and will probably whine about it until the fasten seat belt sign goes off. But the little boy kicking my seat for the entire flight? That is not okay.

“Noah honey, you can’t kick the seat in front of you when you’re on an airplane.” The sing-songy tone of the mom’s voice makes it clear that discipline is not her forte. “If you keep kicking, Noah honey, I’m going to give you one less dollar when we go to the dollar store.”

“It doesn’t say I can’t kick anywhere!” Kick. Kick. Kick.

I know it’s wrong to hate children, but wow, I hated this kid.

I endure his kidney shots for over two hours. Even over my iPod, I can hear him screech every so often. I want nothing more than to turn around and stick my gum in his bowl cut.

But I am almost home.

After all the wind delays and the nonexistent airport shuttles and miraculous growing carry ons that are all of a sudden too big and the tiny Lord of the Dance kicking me in the back for the entire flight.

I'm. Almost. Home.

When the guy in the window seat opens the window shade, I see nothing but flat, Midwestern farmland. And it's beautiful. Take that deserts and mountains! Soon the farms gave way to the cul de sacs of suburbia and gridded urban sprawl. And nothing I've ever seen before has every made me this happy.

Except maybe when I glanced over and saw the window seat guy scrolling through his iPod, and somewhere between 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg, Jewel popped up on shuffle. Well played, Mr. Window Seat. Well played.



*Seinfeld reference. Episode 146. Kramer can’t sleep in the same bed with his new girlfriend (played by Sarah Silverman) because she kicks in her sleep. She’s got “the jimmy legs.”