Making good impressions left and right.

Anyone who’s ever started a new job knows there’s a certain amount of time when you really want to make a good impression. When you’re still feeling out your new surroundings and your coworkers are still getting a read on who you are. It’s that fragile time period where any one thing you do can define you for the rest of your tenure with the company.

It’s definitely not the time to wear the same outfit as your coworker. Not just any coworker, but the coworker you sit next to. And not just any coworkers you sit next to, but the male coworker you sit next to.

That's Dave. That's me. We're both new here. And now we're known as the ones who dress alike.

It’s also not the time to wear that same shirt a few weeks later only to match that same male coworker you sit next to AGAIN. Because if it’s not embarrassing enough the first time, it’s adequately embarrassing the second time.

And it’s supremely embarrassing when another male coworker walks into the office a mere five minutes later wearing the exact same shirt. Sorry there's no picture of the three of us. Because we're working professionals and, you know, not three-year-old triplets, we didn't pose for a matchy-matchy photo.

In other news, I’m giving away a navy blue gingham button down from J. Crew. Like new. Very popular. Irons reasonably well with a hair straightener. Inquire within.

Liz Lemon, you got nothing on this.

We all have our awkward moments. Situations where we’re a little socially inept and a lot bumbling idiot. These are our Liz Lemon moments. And assuming they aren’t all day, every day occurrences, they’re okay. They probably build character or keep us humble or some crap like that. At the very least, they give our friends something to laugh at.

But there are things I do that, by comparison, make Liz Lemon look like the most well-adjusted, popular girl in school. A regular Kelly Kapowski. Like a few weeks ago when I fell off a treadmill. And I wasn’t even running on it yet.

Allow me to set the scene. It’s a Monday, mid-afternoon. The gym is surprisingly crowded because it’s President’s Day and apparently a lot of people honor the leaders of our great nation at their neighborhood X-Sport. I stroll into the gym, pick up a towel and head over to the treadmills. I’m walking down the aisle and eyeing the three open treadmills at the end of the row. Treadmills, like ATMs and public bathroom stalls, are much better when there isn’t a stranger RIGHT next to you. With my eyes still on those open treadmills, I stopped at an empty treadmill about halfway down the row. Yes, some guy is running on the treadmill next to it. But it’s also next to a little walkway, so there’s no way I’ll have a stranger running on either side of me. Plus, I save myself from having to walk to the far end of the bank of treadmills. (Yes, I see the irony here. Avoiding walking that extra 25 feet when I’m about to run on a treadmill anyway. Don’t worry. Karma got hers.)

What happened next probably seemed like slow motion to onlookers. Dude on the elliptical behind me must have just watched in disbelief. Nalgene still in hand, I draped my towel over the handle of the treadmill, stepped onto the treadmill and promptly went flying.

Before you get all, “how did you not realize the treadmill was on?” Let me ask you this: when was the last time to you stopped to make sure the treadmill was off before you hopped on? I’ll save you the trouble. The answer is never. You’ve never checked to see if a treadmill was off before you got on it because TREADMILLS ARE ALWAYS OFF WHEN NO ONE IS ON THEM. Always. Because there is no graceful way to exit a treadmill that’s still moving. Believe me.

And falling off a treadmill is one of the most disorienting things that can happen to you. I mean, I fall all the time. But I get falling. You trip, you fall down, you get back up. It’s how gravity works. Falling off an object that is both moving and yet staying in the same place? It’s confusing. Not only are you all of a sudden not standing, but you’re also being shot backwards at about 4.0 mph.

I don’t remember screaming (But I probably did. Like a school girl.) but I know people heard. Because you know what makes a loud noise? A 26-year-old falling off a treadmill. Know what makes an even louder noise? A 26-year-old falling off a treadmill while holding a 32-ounce Nalgene.

And as I scrambled to regain my footing (I think I may have been crawling because seriously falling off a treadmill is confusing and makes you do illogical things like crawl along a moving surface that’s currently giving you crazy floor burn), that stupid water bottle just kept smacking the treadmill. Loudly. Announcing to the few people who didn’t see it all from the surrounding cardio machines that some idiot just fell off a treadmill.

I mean, people stopped their workouts to stare. A girl on a treadmill in front of me turned around and with the look of sheer horror on her face. The guy next to me stopped running and screamed, “OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?” over his iPod.

Embarrassed and still a little disoriented, I managed to get off the treadmill and back on my feet. I laughed sheepishly and shouted back something like, “I didn’t realize that was on!” Yeah, no shit. But in an attempt to save face, I stuck it out for a workout. I did, however, move to a safer (read: idiot-proof) elliptical after about 20 minutes.

Moral of the story: Always check to make sure the treadmill you’re about to get on is OFF before you, you know, get on it. And don’t work out at the same gym frequented by about 75% of the people you went to college with if you are likely to fall off a treadmill.

Five month hiatus? Sounds about right.

Know those kids who were involved in all sorts of after school activities like tennis lessons and piano and the traveling soccer team, but they quit them all after like 3 months? Yeah, I was never one of those kids. But I could’ve been. As evidenced by the lack of updates since September, I sometimes have trouble sticking with things.

But I’m working on it. Because you* asked for it.

And if you could make sure some outrageous things happen while you’re hanging out with me, that would totally help me out here. Because I kind of beat that whole “we’re moving and so much crazy stuff is happening! lolz!” schtick into the ground.



* “You” mostly being Moy, Emily, Patty and Kim.